Coral Gables Riviera-Times

Wise Cracks

HARDY HOGS "We got a remarkable brand of pigs down our way," the Ozark hill-billy said. "Razorbacks we call 'em. One day one of 'em found three or four sticks of dynamite and et 'em. A mean mule came along and kicked the pig again the barn. The dynamite went off, the barn blowed up, pieces of the mule came down all over the country, and windows was broken in houses for miles around, and let me tell you, for a coupla days we had a mighty sick pig on our hands." CHEAP AND SAFE Patient-Will this operation be dangerous, doctor? Doctor-Stop worrying about that. Don't you know you can't buy a dangerous operation for only fifty dollars. Strange Food It was the old man's first time in the hospital. The nurse took his temperature. After a while the doctor made his rounds. "Well, old fellow," he said, "have you had any nourishment?" "A lady gave me a piece of glass to suck on," said the old man, but I'm still powerful hungry." Natural Mistake The young candidate for admission to the navy was being given a test to determine his general education. One of the questions put to him was: "What kind of animals eat grass?" The young man figeted and looked out of the window, but apparently could think of no answer. "Come, come," said the admiral who was examining him, "surely you can answer a simple question like that: 'What kind of animals eat grass?" The boy brightened up. "Animals!" he exclaimed, "I thought you said admirals." Two Fisted Killer! A bedraggled looking man entered a fly-infested bar room and spoke quietly to the bartender. "Give me a drink," he said, "and 'I'll kill every fly in the place!" The verminder agreed that he thought it reasonable and set a drink before him. Making short work of it, the hobo started to edge toward the door. "Hey, you, come back here," shouted the bartender. "You said you'd kill every fly in the place." "And so I will," said the hobo, rolling up his sleeves and stepping outside. "Send them out one at a time."

Test Your I. Q.

1. What racing man has driven four winners in the Hambletonian? 2. In what state is it impossible to obtain a divorce? 3. What is believed to be the oldest stage family in existence? 4. What book did George Washington credit with helping to win the Revolutionary War? 5. Why does a mosquito bite itch? ANSWERS 1. Ben White, 74 years old: with Mary Reynolds in 1933, Rosalind in 1936, The Ambassador in 1942, Volo Song in 1943. 2. South Carolina. State law prohibits divorces. 3. The family of Ida Lapino has been connected with the stage for 250 years. Her picture appears above the question. 4. "The Crisis," by Thomas Paine. 5. The mosquito leaves a droplet of formic acid on the skin, which irritates and thus makes the skin itch.

TILLERS

THAT WAS A GOOD MOVIE, MAW... LET'S TOP IT OFF WITH A SODA! | WHY, THAT SOUNDS REAL NICE, PAW! | I HAD A WONDERFUL EVENING, PAW... THANKS A MILLION! | DON'T MENTION IT--- IT WAS NOTHING! | YOU HAVE A PRETTY GOOD HUSBAND, MAW! I'LL BET MOST MEN DON'T TAKE THEIR WIVES TO DINNER AND A SHOW FOR THEIR BIRTHDAYS! | THAT'S RIGHT-- THERE'S ONLY ONE LITTLE THING... | MY BIRTHDAY ISN'T UNTIL NEXT WEEK! BUT YOU HAVE A GOOD WIFE, TOO--- I'M NOT A BIT CROSS LIKE MOST WIVES IF THEIR HUSBANDS FORGET THEIR BIRTHDAYS!

PEGGY

WINDY, DEAR, WILL YOU PLAY SOMETHING ON THE JUKE BOX? | TRY THE NEW DORSEY RECORD... AND DID I EVER SHOW HIM! | YACKITY, YACKITY... AND SHE SAID--- | THEN I TOLD HER--- THE MUSIC STOPPED, WILL YOU PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL? | I THINK SHE MEANS YOU! | YIPPITY, YIPPITY BLAH!--- SHE--- HE--- | DID YOU SEE--- THEN HE SAID--- BLAH, BLAH! | IF YOU GALS WANT TO BLAT YOUR PRETTY LITTLE BRAINS OUT, WHY DO I HAVE TO FEED THE JUKE BOX? | THAT GIVES ME SOMETHING TO LISTEN TO WHILE SHE'S TALKING!

MUTT AND JEFF By Bud Fisher

ITS A SIMPLE QUESTION! HOW LONG DID THE THIRTY YEARS' WAR LAST? | I DUNNO! | HOW OLD IS A TEN YEAR OLD BOY? | TEN YEARS! | WELL, THEN, HOW LONG DID THE THIRTY YEARS' WAR LAST? | TEN YEARS! | YOU LITTLE IDIOT! DO YOU KNOW WHY I CALL YOU A LITTLE IDIOT? | SURE! | WHY? | BECAUSE I'M SMALLER THAN YOU ARE!

NANCY By Ernie Bushmiller

GET ME A JAR OF COLD CREAM--- AND BUY YOURSELF A STICK OF CANDY | A JAR OF COLD CREAM AND A STICK OF CANDY | WHY DON'T YOU BUY THE LARGE ECONOMY SIZE? | GOOD IDEA | LARGE ECONOMY SIZE

LITTLE REGGIE By Margarita

GOSH THAT WOULD COME IN HANDY FOR ME!! | SPECIAL! PORTABLE PHONE JUST PLUG IT IN!! | ---AND WILL YOU CHARGE THAT? | CERTAINLY! THEN I'LL WRAP IT FOR YOU!

REG'LAR FELLERS By Gene Byrnes

TAXI! | THANKS, BUD-- JUST WANTED TO GET ACROSS THAT PUDDLE!

JITTER By Arthur Pointer

VIRGIL By Len Kleis

LET'S SEE---I EMPTIED TH' GARBAGE--CUT TH' GRASS---DID EVERYTHING MOM ASKED ME TO DO--- | I HAVEN'T BROKEN ANY WINDOWS---HAD ANY FIGHTS OR TEASED ANY NEIGHBORS--- | FOR TH' FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I CAN COME HOME KNOWING I WON'T GET A SPANKING | HAPPY BIRTHDAY

SILENT SAM By Jeff Hayes

BOOBY TRAP

WEEKLY CROSSWORD PUZZLE

HORIZONTAL 1, 5 Pictured English writer 10 He was a - 14 At all times 15 Paraguay tea 16 Girl's name 17 Dibble 18 Greek letter 20 Snaky fish 21 Gram (abbr.) 23 Fodder vat 25 Right line (abbr.) 26 Kind of poetry 28 Daybreak (comb. form) 29 Sapient 31 Species 32 Under 34 Young salmon 35 Rules 40 Landed proprietors 44 External (comb. form) 45 Fragrant oleoresin 48 Form into grains 49 Left hand (abbr.) 50 Bare 52 Make etchings 54 Hawaiian bird 55 Dawn goddess 57 Sailor 58 Ventilate 59 Instead of 60 Seines 62 Stout string 64 Heavy cord 65 Czar 66 Direction (pl.) 67 Promontory VERTICAL 1 Shelves 2 Bantu people 3 Corded fabric 4 Doctor (abbr.) 5 Beside 6 Biblical pronoun 7 Railroad (abbr.) 8 Corpulent 9 Statehood: 10.2.1416 11 Mineral rock 12 Emanate 13 Of greater stature 19 Indian mulberry 22 Polygon of eight angles 24 Australian bird 27 Symbol for iridium 30 Exclamation 33 Age 35 Regret 36 Reverberates 37 That thing 38 Composed 39 Him 41 Universal language 42 Hangs down 43 The snivels (veter.) 46 Genus of snow partridges 47 Had in mind 51 Note in Guido's scale 53 Symbol for chromium 56 Station (abbr.) 59 Enemy 61 Senior (abbr.) 63 Exists 64 Registered nurse (abbr.) Answer to Previous Puzzle: ITALY BOMB ROME TO AA ALOE APOD EPOCH DO STERE MEN OAT NUT NON ROW EG AREAL ITALY MERIT ERE PA SNARE OPOSSUM OMEN POP ITS CAR ASS ONION TRI OCTET STEW RIOT SO RA TOLL PREY ETHER

HOME-TOWN ECHOES By C. Kessler

HE AT LEAST GOES TO THE STORE FOR HIS MOTHER! | PERFECTLY OBLIVIOUS | STOP & GO | HENRY RODEN, PRESIDENT OF THE AMERICAN HOME FOODS, INC. AND THE SUCCESSFUL AUTHOR OF SEVERAL GOOD MURDER MYSTERIES, DIDN'T ALWAYS OBEY TRAFFIC REGULATIONS, BACK IN DALLAS, TEXAS.