Coral Gables Riviera-Times

RIVIERA-TIMES

FRIDAY, JULY 11, 1947 RIVIERA-TIMES PAGE FIFTEEN

Wise Cracks

JUST A MASCOT A little runt of a man, with a height scarcely exceeding five feet, recently married a widow, over six feet tall and of extremely generous girth. "How do you like married life?" a friend asked the diminutive groom, shortly after he returned from the honeymoon. The little man sadly shook his head. "It wouldn't be so bad," he replied, "if people wouldn't persist in calling me 'the widow's mite.'" USELESS GAME The manager of a movie theater was standing in the lobby. He noticed a patron, obviously from out of town, buy a ticket, then a few minutes later go back and buy another one. This happened several times, until the manager finally went over to the man. "My dear sir," he said, "why do you waste your money like that? All you need is one ticket." "I know," the man wailed, "but that doorman keeps tearing them up!" SO HELPFUL She came into the railway express office with a very heavy parcel and said to the manager: "They tell me you wrap packages for shipment here." All the employees were busy. It was the rush hour. So the manager graciously wrapped the package himself and tied it carefully. As he finished, he asked: "Do you want it send prepaid or collect?" "Oh, I'm not sending it express," she exclaimed. "I'm going to mail it!" LODGING A PROTEST The enraged diner banged on the table with his fist. A waiter approached and inquired suavely, "What, may I ask, is the trouble?" "A mouse just took a piece of cheese off that plate!" he snorted. "I demand satisfaction." The waiter bowed low. "I'm sorry to hear this, sir," he apologized. "I shall speak to the mouse about this immediately!" BLACKFACE ARTIST Publisher James Gordon Bennett was intolerant of fighting, a practice all too frequently followed in the old rough-and-ready days of journalism. Thus, one of the printers who showed up at work one morning with a well blacked eye, knew that he must conceal it, or be fired. In a moment of inspiration, he smeared his entire face with ink. Bennett noticed him immediately. "What are we paying that man?" he asked the foreman. Told the amount, the old publisher ordered, "Double it! It's obvious that he's doing more work than anyone else in the plant!" TOTAL FLOP A very small boy came home dejectedly from his first day at school. "Ain't goin' tomorru," he muttered. "And why not?" his mother asked. "Well, I can't read and I can't write and they won't let me talk, so what's the use."

TEST Your I. Q.

1. What is called the "Westminster of Scotland?" 2. Where does most of the jute we use come from? 3. What is slalom racing? 4. What disaster in the history of the United States caused the greatest loss of life? 5. How many persons won the Congressional Medal of Honor in World War II? ANSWERS 1. It is the one-by-three-mile Hebrides isle of Iona, north of Ireland, where 40 of Scotland's rulers are buried. 2. Five-sixths of the world's jute supply comes from the Indian province of Bengal. 3. Skiing, usually in a race against time, in a zigzag downhill course between pairs of flags. 4. Our greatest national disaster occurred at Galveston, Tex., Sept. 8, 1900, when 6000 lives were lost as a result of a hurricane and tidal wave. Damage was estimated at $17 million. 5. Two hundred and eighty-two in the Army and 124 in the Navy.

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TENNIS INSTRUCTION

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? LEAVING THE GABLES FOR THE SUMMER?

Let Us Protect Your Home From Insects And Mildew While You Are Away. "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" FOR DETAILED INFORMATION AND REFERENCES PHONE 4-2079 MILLER EXTERMINATING COMPANY 2329 Ponce de Leon Blvd. FRANK P. MILLER, Mgr. Civil Engineer

TILLERS

WHILE THE PARAFFIN FOR THE STRAWBERRY JELLY IS MELTING, I'LL SEE IF I CAN FIND SOME LIDS FOR THE GLASSES! HMM! WONDER WHAT MAW'S COOKING FOR SUPPER? PHOOEY! I THINK YOU'VE BEEN WORKING TOO HARD LATELY, MAW... LET'S GO OUT FOR SUPPER! / S.L. HUNTLEY

PEGGY

WHOOPS! POP IS STILL UP--HOLD ONTO YOUR HAT! YOUNG MAN, MAY I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT TIME IT IS? HOW DARE YOU KEEP THIS FRAGILE FLOWER OUT UNTIL THIS HOUR? GULP LOOK AT HER! SHE DROOPS! SHE WILTS! AND WHY? BECAUSE YOU-- YOU KEEP HER UP SO LATE! GEE! FATHERS HAVE MORE FUN THAN ANYBODY! YESSSIR?

MUTT AND JEFF By Bud Fisher

MUTT, I WROTE SOME POEMS I'M GONNA SELL TO THE NEWSPAPER-LISTEN-- I TOOK MY AUNTIE RIDING, IN THE COLD AND ICY BREEZE I PUT HER IN THE RUMBLE SEAT AND WATCHED MY ANTI-FREEZE! DO YOU CALL THAT STUFF POETRY? IT RHYMES! YOUR HANDWRITING IS AWFUL! NOBODY WILL BE ABLE TO READ THIS JUNK! OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT! A POET HAS IMAGINATION! HE ONLY IMAGINES PEOPLE READ HIS POEMS ANYWAY! I IMAGINE SOMEDAY I WILL BE A GREAT POET- I IMAGINE!

NANCY By Ernie Bushmiller

OH, COME ON IN, FLO I HAVE SOME GOSSIP FOR YOU LET'S GO UPSTAIRS WHERE WE CAN TALK HUH--I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR OL' GOSSIP WELL---THANKS FOR ALL THE LATEST NEWS FLASHES I MUST BE LEAVING NOW

LITTLE REGGIE By Margarita

THE KID SEEMS LOST... HE WONT TALK! HERE'S A CANDY BAR, SONNY! HERE'S A BAG OF PEANUTS! NOW-WHERE DO YOU LIVE, SONNY? HERE'S A GREAT BIG BOX OF CANDY! THANKS FELLAS! I JUST REMEMBERED WHERE I LIVE!

REG'LAR FELLERS By Gene Byrnes

WHAT'S TH' IDEA OF TH' SHOVEL? WE'RE GOIN' TO TH' BEACH FOR A SWIM! I KNOW! OH, I GET IT! YOU WANNA PLAY IN TH' SAND! STILL A BABY! HEH! HEH! GO ON AN' LAFF! HAH! HAH! A DOLLAR FOR A BATHHOUSE? THAT'S MURDER! JEST WHAT I THOUGHT! TH' BANDITS! BATHHOUSES TO LET $1.00 PER PERSON I MADE THIS ONEY BIG ENOUGH FOR ME! TAKE TH' SHOVEL AN' GO DIG YOUR OWN BATHHOUSE!

JITTER By Arthur Pointer

VIRGIL By Len Kleis

SNIF SNIFFLE VIRGIL- WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? NUTHIN',POP-JUST LOOKING FOR MY MARBLES--- OH MUST BE COMING FROM OUTSIDE --UNDER TH' SOFA, WITH A CANDLE

SILENT SAM By Jeff Hayes

PLAY STREET BE CAREFUL PLAY STREET BE CAREFUL By Jeff Hayes

WEEKLY CROSSWORD PUZZLE

HORIZONTAL 1 Pictured scenic wonder, the --- 13 Provided food 14 Freebooters 16 Upward 17 Father 18 Bolt 19 Solitary 20 Writing tool 22 Fold 24 Legal point 25 Snake 26 Mystic syllable 28 African river 29 Rupees (abbr.) 31 Language 34 Negative word 35 Document 38 Girl's name 39 Inspirit 40 Pertaining to dower 41 Ocean 42 Ventilated 43 Half-em 45 From 46 Dance step 48 Written form of Mister 50 Drunkard 53 Editor (abbr.) 54 Mine shaft hut 55 Like 57 Two (prefix) 58 Tastes 60 Table implement 62 Men 63 Rabbit VERTICAL 1 Back of neck 2 Near 3 Spread 4 Russian mountain range 5 Type of fortification 6 Paid notice 7 Birthplace (abbr.) 8 More mature 9 Rainbow 10 Hebrew tribe 11 Great (abbr.) 12 Lampreys 13 Drinking vessel 15 Make soggy 21 Puts into notation 23 Languishes 24 Networks (anat.) 25 Desires with eagerness 27 Italian city 29 Proceed 30 Very swift 31 Young boy 32 Bustle 33 Nothing 35 Psalms (abbr.) 36 Before 37 Color 44 Garment 46 Footlike part 47 First man 48 To a greater extent 49 Headstrong 51 Musical instrument 52 Valuable metal 54 Mountain pass 56 Mineral spring 59 It is located in the state of --- (abbr.) 61 Either Answer to Previous Puzzle AVIATION CADET EST CURIOUS DOE ST DREW MESS TA TEDIOUS EPITHET ERNE WEBER RIME RN OO US ADM AMA SIN SW AVIATION IN ABLE TOE CADET ETNA UNTRUTH ADDRESS RES RELEON OS IT EGO GRANTER ASS ENTERTAINMENT

HOME-TOWN ECHOES By C. Kessler

GEE, I'VE ONLY WORN THIS CELLULOID COLLAR A MONTH AND IT'S GETTING YELLOW. - TRAIL I'LL HAVE TO BUY A FEW LINEN COLLARS! SO, NOW THAT YOU GOT A #2 ALWIEK STOVE YOU WANT TO WEAR LINEN COLLARS - ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WASH AND IRON THEM? MEMORIES By C. Kessler

Ticklers By George

"Look, Pop, I found all this money just laying on those tables over there." marked to his wife: "Do you know, dear, I think there's something in what this article says-that the cleverness of the father often proves a stumbling block to the son." His wife heaved a sigh of relief. "Well, thank goodness," she said, "our little Johnny will never have anything to fall over." BIG FIGURES "There isn't one man in a million-no, not in 10 million-who would be so mean to his wife and children as you are!" shrieked Mrs. Hunderclump. "Now," rejoined Mr. H., admiringly, "that's what I admire in you dear. You have such a head for figures!" FIREWORKS COMING Mother (to twins)-It's so nice of you children to sit there quietly and not disturb your father while he's taking a nap! Twins - Yessum, but what we really are waiting for is to hear what he will say when his cigar burns down to his fingers! By George

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PERSUASIVE MEASURES

"Doc," said the old mountaineer, leading a gangling youth into the presence of the village medico, "I want you to fix up my son-in-law. I shot him in the leg yesterday and lamed him up a mite." "Tut, tut," clucked the doctor disapprovingly. "Shame on you for shooting your own son-in-law." "Wal, doc," replied the mountaineer, "he warn't my son-in-law when I shot him!"

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THE WRONG BOOK

"Tell me, Jones," asked a sympathetic friend, "how is it that your wife dresses so magnificently and you always appear out at the elbows?" "Well, I'll tell you," was the patient, long-suffering reply: "Molly dresses according to latest showings in the Ladies Home Journal while I dress according to the figures in the Jones Manufacturing company ledgers."

HIGH STAKES

A hillbilly G.I. got into a poker game with some British soldiers. "I'll bet one pound," said one of the Tommies. "I don't know how yuh count yer money over here," he declared, "but I'll jest raise yuh to one ton,"

SONNY IS SAFE

The head of the house was reading a newspaper article very carefully. When he finished, he re-