Coral Gables Riviera-Times

Friday, September 5, 1947, page 8 (of 10)

← Earlier issue Later issue → Download this page

The page

You can also pinch or scroll to zoom, and drag to move around.

The text of this pageRead by computer from the scan, so some words may be wrong. The page picture is the original.

SLAPSTICK

UNFAIR ADVANTAGE "It's a strange thing, Jim," said Farmer Brown. "Yer allus late of a mornin' and you live right on the farm. Now Bill, here, who lives two miles away, is allus on time." "There's nothin' funny about that," retorted Jim. "If Bill's late in the mornin' he can hurry a bit, but if I'm late, I'm already here!" LUCKY MOVE Ephraim, storekeeper in a small Vermont town, was greeted by a neighbor who consoled him on the loss of some of his merchandise during a fire. "Did you lose much?" asked the friend. "Not too much," came the laconic reply. "I'd just marked most of my stock down 25 per cent." A CHOICE Two girls were being followed by a lone male on a beautiful spring day. Finally one of them, in apparent indignation, turned to the young man and exclaimed, "Either you quit following us, or go get a friend." POOR PA Teacher, pointing to a deer at the zoo—Now, Johnny, tell me what that animal is. Johnny—I don't know, teacher. Teacher—What does your mother call your father? Johnny—Golly! Is a louse that big? FINANCIAL FINAGLING Pat had opened his first bank account and had taken to paying most of his bills by check. One day the bank sent him a statement together with a packet of cancelled checks. Of the statement Pat made neither head nor tail but the returned checks pleased him greatly. "Mike," he said to a friend, "it's a smart bank I am doing business with now. Oi paid all me bills wid checks and be jabbers if the bank wasn't slick enough to get every check back for me." TELLING HIM OFF Easy-going, indifferently educated Sam Jenkins married a school teacher, a precise, extremely erudite woman of decided opinions and it was soon evident they would not hit if off very well together. "I guess," commented one friend of the unfortunate Sam, "that you are overcome by your wife's powers of diction." "Not at all, not at all," rejoined Sam. "What's got me licked is her almighty power of contradiction." A DEAD LOSS An insurance policy was taken out in the name of George Washington White of Birmingham, Ala. The insurance company received the premium payments promptly for four years, and then they stopped. The company sent several notices and finally received this belated reply: "Dear Sirs: Please excuse us as we cant pay no more insurance on George as he died last June. Yours truly, Mrs. G. W. White." OVER-PAID An out-of-towner stopped a newsboy saying, "See here, son, I want to find the First National Bank. I'll give you a half dollar if you will direct me to it." "All right, come along," and led the man to a building half a block away. The man paid the promised fee, remarking, however, "That was half a dollar easily earned." "Sure!" responded the lad, "but you mustn't forget that bank directors are paid high in this town." ROUND TRIP A tourist, traveling through western Kansas, saw a man sitting by the ruins of a house that had been blown away, and stopped to ask: "Was this your house, my friend?" "Yep." "Any of your family blown away with the house?" "Yep, wife and four kids." "Great scott, man, why aren't you hunting for them?" "Well, stranger; I've been in this country squite a spell. The wind's due to change this afternoon, and I figure I might as well wait here till it brings 'em back." CLASSY BOUNCING Bill—What happened after you were thrown out the back door of the bar? Rob—I told the waiter I belonged to a very prominent family. Bill—So what? Bob—So, he begged my pardon, hiked me in again and threw me out the front door. WITH SOUND EFFECTS While visiting in France, the Italian composer, Rossini, learned that a group of wealth admirers planned to have a statue erected in his honor. "How much will it cost?" he inquired. "Ten million francs," was the reply. Rossini, who was poverty-stricken at the time, chuckled. "How extravagant," he said. "For five million, I'll stand on the pedestal myself." GOOD TRY Mike—'Tis a fine kid you have there. A magnificent head and noble carriage. Say, could you lend me a couple of dollars? Pat—I could not. 'Tis my wife's child by her first husband. ANOTHER VIEWPOINT A Sunday School teacher was showing her class a picture of the Christian martyrs in a den of lions. One little boy seemed very sad about it. "Gee," he exclaimed, "look at that poor lion away in the back. He won't get any!" A BIT STINGY An old fellow was worried when a visiting granddaughter from the city sat up till 10 p.m. reading by the small kerosene lamp. "Blow out that light!" he roared. "But, grandpa," she protested, "I'm paying for the kerosene!" "I know, I know," he stormed. "But you're burnin' up my lamp wick!" A TIMETABLE NEEDED Salesman (at small town)—Say, mister, what time is it? Native—Round about Wednesday, I think. Salesman — No, what hour? I have to catch a train. Native—Then Wednesday's close enough. No trains here till Saturday. QUIET, PLEASE Professor — Gentlemen, I am dismissing the class 10 minutes early today. Please go out quietly so as not to wake the other classes. IDENTIFICATION TAG The Tennessee mountaineer had long dreaded the journey from his peaceful Cumberland valley to "the outside" —down to Chattanooga. Now, preparing to leave at last and urged by his wife to write his name on a slip of paper and put it in his pocket, he was dogged by foreboding. He wrote, "In case of accident, this was Seth Scruggs." FIRST THINGS FIRST First Golfer—Shall we play another round of golf next Monday? Second Golfer—Well, I was to be married on Monday, but I can put it off till Tuesday.

Test Your I. Q.

1. What is the literal meaning of the abbreviation "ad lib."? 2. What are double cousins? 3. What is a spelunca, also spelynx? 4. Where is Norfolk Island? 5. What large land area is most remote from ocean water? ANSWERS 1. Ad Libitum—at discretion. 2. When children of a brother and sister marry a brother and sister, their children are double cousins. 3. A cave. Spelunca is Latin, spelynx is Greek. 4. About 900 miles east of Sydney, Australia. It was once a British penal colony, a prison for the mutineers of the British ship Bounty, whose descendants still live there. 5. Sinkiang Province, China. Nearest deep water is the Bay of Bengal, 1,000 miles to the south.

LIST YOUR PROPERTY WITH US

NO COST TO YOU UNLESS WE SELL Frederic F. Lewis REALTOR "HOMES OF DISTINCTION" Phone 4-3139 300 Alhambra Circle

OVER-EMPHASIS

A blushing young woman handed the telegraph clerk a telegram, containing only a name, address and one word, "Yes." Wishing to be helpful, the clerk said: "You know, you can send 10 words for the same price." "I know I can," replied the young woman, "but don't you think I'd look too eager if I said it 10 times?"

BEARDED LADY

"Why are you staring at me so?" a man seated in a subway train protested to a fellow swaying on a strap in front of him. "I'm sorry," was the reply, "but you know, if it weren't for the moustache, you'd be a dead ringer for my wife." "Moustache?" said the seated passenger. "I have no moustache." "No," agreed the other. "But my wife has."

FINANCE YOUR LANDSCAPING THRU THE 5% FHA PLAN

AT MANGUS LANDSCAPE NURSERY Phones 4-4833 — 4-4898 2703 LeJeune Road, Coral Gables

WEEKLY CROSSWORD PUZZLE

HORIZONTAL 1 Depicted European country 6 Its — is 196,600 sq. mi. 10 Old 14 Test by eating 15 Frolic 16 Cast ballots 17 Any 18 Line of union 20 Island 22 Certiliter (abbr.) 23 Piece of furniture 25 24 hours 26 Meadow 27 Article 28 Rose 30 Toward 31 Twists out of shape 34 One of its cities is — cobalt 41 Act again 43 Cowboy show 45 Measure 46 Credit (abbr.) 48 Us 50 Chaldean City 51 Tub 53 Beverage 54 Talent 56 Still 59 Whether 60 Moist mass 61 Seize 63 Myself 64 Sport 66 Row 68 Street child 70 Verbal 71 Scent 72 Not long VERTICAL 1 Pierce 2 Square of glass 3 Like 4 Belongs to it 5 Necessity 6 It has a small standing — 7 International language 8 Man's name 9 Reliquary for relics of saints 10 Hail! 11 Proceed 12 Engrave 13 Take out 19 Rough lava 21 Music note 24 Drone bee 27 Fox 29 To flavor 30 Giant armadillo 31 It had a civil — in 1936-39 32 Exist 33 Fix firmly 34 Vehicle 34 Vehicle 35 Frozen water 36 Menagerie 42 Suitable 44 Arid 46 Musical instrument 47 Swift 49 Make a mistake 51 One of its northern ports is — 52 From a distance 53 Symbol for tungsten 55 Labels 57 Prince 58 Canvas shelter 60 Stake 62 Exclamation 65 Mother 67 Negative 69 Further

TILLERS

LOOK WHAT I FOUND AMONG SOME OLD PHOTOS... A PICTURE OF SALLY JENKINS! SHE WAS AN OLD FLAME OF YOURS, WASN'T SHE, PAW? | AW, I CAN'T SEE WHY YOU WERE ALWAYS SO JEALOUS OF HER... I NEVER PAID HER NO MIND | I WONDER WHAT EVER BECAME OF HER? | OH, SHE'S BEEN LIVING OVER IN HOOPER-TOWN FOR THE PAST 17 YEARS! | SHE WAS A BARE-BACK RIDER IN A CIRCUS FOR 5 YEARS AND THEN MODELED CLOTHES FOR A WHILE! AFTER TOURING EUROPE SEVERAL TIMES SHE MARRIED A PLUMBER FROM PITTSBURG! SHE HAS 8 SONS AND 5 DAUGHTERS AND 27 GRANDCHILDREN! SHE... | I WONDER HOW OLD I'LL BE BEFORE I EVER LEARN NOT TO TALK SO MUCH! | SLAM CLICK

Peggy

MUTT AND JEFF

NANCY

OOPS-- I DROPPED A FORK | CLINK | THAT MEANS WE'RE GOING TO HAVE COMPANY | LET'S HAVE A PARTY | By Ernie Bushmiller

BACK HOME AGAIN

NOW THAT OL' TOM'S GOT A JOB AFTER ALL THIS TIME, HE LOOKS SOURER THAN EVER | YEH, I GUESS NOW HE'S MAD BECAUSE HE CAN'T PUT OFF THE BILL COLLECTORS THE WAY HE'S BEEN A-DOIN'! | OUR TOWN | By Ed Dodd

LITTLE REGGIE

REG'LAR FELLERS

Jenny and Benny

ART WINBURG | BOOK OF MAGIC TRICKS | BOOK OF MAGIC TRICKS | BOOK OF MAGIC TRICKS | by Art Winburg

JITTER

ICE CREAM CONES 5¢ | ICE CREAM CONES 5¢ | By Arthur Pointer

Ticklers

By George | "That's our murderer's row."

VIRGIL

SILENT SAM

BAW! | By Jeff Hayes