Coral Gables Riviera-Times

Friday, July 18, 1947, page 10 (of 12)

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RIVIERA-TIMES

PAGE TEN RIVIERA-TIMES FRIDAY, JULY 18, 1947

They Don't Rattle

A farmer with a fine stand of hazelnut trees was bedeviled by trespassers during the nutting season. He consulted a scientific friend, and upon his advice placed at conspicuous points the following notice: "Trespassers, take warning! All persons entering this wood do so at their own risk, for, although common snakes are not often found, the Corylus Avellana abounds everywhere about here, and never gives warning of its presence." He was troubled no more with trespassers. (In case you don't know, Corylus Avellana is the botanical term for hazelnut.)

Marathon Runner

Little Girl (innocently to new pastor)—Will you please see how many times you can run around the garden? Pastor (surprised)—I couldn't, my child. But why do you ask? Little Girl—Oh, because dad said you were so long-winded.

Pretty Fish

GO AIN'T PRETTY HUH Diner—I don't like the looks of this mackerel. Waiter—Well, if it's looks you're wanting, why not get a goldfish?

Gotta Eat, Though

"Does your husband kick about his meals?" "No. What he kicks about is having to get them."

Twisted

"My uncle made a lot of money in crooked dough." "Black market, eh?" "Oh, no. He's a pretzel baker."

A Luxury

"Well, young man, how do you like your new little sister?" "Okay, I guess, but there's a lot of things we needed worse."

Unknown

Jane—Who was the fellow who just kissed you? Mary—I don't know. I never speak to strangers.

A Muffler

"Now," said the man as he helped his cute wife into a fur coat, "that should keep you warm—and quiet."

Smooth Line

"What's a diplomat?" "A person who can tell you to go to the devil so pleasantly that you're rarin' to go."

Test Your I. Q.

1. Is the age requirement for voting the same in all states? 2. Where is the country's largest game refuge? 3. What is the origin of the term "free lance"? 4. What and where is Chalmette Park? 5. What are the three largest rivers in the world? Answers 1. No. A voter must be at least 21 years of age in all states except Georgia. There the voting age is 18. 2. The forests of Grand Canyon, Arizona, which include 754,000 acres of land. The next largest is Pisgah National Forest in North Carolina with 97,408 acres. 3. It originated with the medieval practice of knights and soldiers selling their services to any state leader who needed them. 4. It is a national historical park in Louisiana so proclaimed because it is the ground on which the Battle of New Orleans was fought in 1815. 5. The Nile River in Africa, 4000 miles long; the Amazon in Brazil, 3900 miles; and the Ob River in Siberia, 3200 miles.

LOOKED SUSPICIOUS

A certain Southern banker who was quite bald, and extremely sensitive about his polished dome, kept his hat on most of the time, even in his bank. One day Banker Smith was standing near the teller's window, when Cephus, the janitor of the bank, stepped up to get his weekly paycheck cashed. "Cephus," chided the banker, good-naturedly, "why do you take all your pay away with you every week? Why don't you open an account and leave some of it with us?" Cephus glanced warily at Smith's hat, which, as usual, was pulled down over his bald head. "Mister Smith," he giggled, "I'se afraid to. Yo' see, sah, yo' looks lak yo was always ready to start somewhere!"

COOLING, TOO

One day two visitors to the Virginian mountains observed a woman dousing the reclining figures of two lanky men with water. She had just emptied the third bucket on her sleeping menfolk when she noticed the interest of her visitors. She explained: "Keeps the flies off'n 'em."

TIME AND CHANGE

Twin brothers, 25-years old, were marooned by a freeze-in at the North Pole. Each day for exercise the two ran in circles in opposite directions around the pole. Now it is well known that each time a traveler circles the pole he loses or gains a day when he crosses the international date line. When the expedition finally returned to this country, one of the twin brothers had a long beard and was carrying his baby brother in his arms.

ALWAYS LOADED

Boy—If you had only one cartridge in a good gun with a mad bull coming up on one side and a hungry lion coming up on the other, which would you shoot? Insurance Salesman — Well, I hardly know. That would be hard to decide, wouldn't it? Boy—Shoot the lion, mister. If you've a good insurance man, you can shoot the bull any time.

BORN SPORTSMAN

A group of prep school boys was listening to the headmaster's account of how a boy had been injured sliding into second base during the ball game that afternoon. The master said hopefully that they thought there was only a concussion—no fractured skull. After a moment of silence one boy broke out: "Was he safe?"

DUCKS WERE CHICKENS

Mother—Son, one of those ducks you were out shooting last week-end called and left her telephone number

POINTED EXAMPBLE

Uncle John came to stay for a while, and before he left he gave his nephew a $10 bill. "Now, be careful with that money, Tommy," he said. "Remember that 'a fool and his money are soon parted.'" "Yes, uncle," replied Tommy, "but I want to thank you for parting with it just the same."

SUMMER IN COOL COMFORT

SPECIAL SEASON RATES Air Conditioned Cocktail Lounge ★ SWIMMING POOL ON PREMISES—COFFEE SHOP ★ BEACH & CABANA COLONY THE HOTEL EMBASSY 30th and Collins Ph. 58-2573

Or Maybe Underweight

Joe—Did you make the debating team? Bill—N-n-o. They s-s-said I w-w-wasn't t-t-tall enough. ANATOMY LESSON Medic—What are the names of the bones in your hand? Med. Asst.—Dice.

FINANCE YOUR LANDSCAPING THRU THE 5% FHA PLAN AT MANGUS LANDSCAPE NURSERY

Phones 4-4833 — 4-4898 2703 LeJeune Road, Coral Gables

TILLERS

SAY, JABBER, THE ROOF'S LEAKING PRETTY BAD- I'D LIKE YOU TO FIX IT! WELL, HUNK, WE GOT THE PUMP FIXED.. NOW WE'LL FIX THE TRACTOR IF JABBER HAS THE BARN ROOF REPAIRED! BUT THERE'S A LOT OF FIXING TO BE DONE ON RAINY DAYS! HMM! JABBER DID A SWELL JOB IN A SHORT TIME.. IT'S DRY AS A BONE IN HERE! MR. TILLER... LOOK! THIS OVERSTUFFED FIDDLE GIVES ME COMPLEXES--- LISTEN TO THE NASTY THINGS THOSE BOYS ARE SAYING! I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING BUT THE USUAL OFF STAGE MOB NOISES UMPL HEY! WHAT PURTY GREEN EYES? THE KID ON THE LEFT HAS A CUTE NOSE! YEAH, THEY'RE BOTH CUTE, BUT THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE HAS THE BEST FIGURE! PEGGY YES, AND AM I GLAD TO HAVE YOUR MORAL SUPPORT! HI, GLORIA- GOING FOR YOUR LESSON?

MUTT AND JEFF By Bud Fisher

MUTT, HAVE YOU SOME COTTON BATTING? COTTON? SURE! WHAT CHA WANT IT FOR? MY BROTHER, JULIUS GOT A LETTER FROM HIS GIRL AND HE CAN'T READ- HE WANTS ME TO READ THE LETTER TO HIM! BUT WHAT'S THE COTTON FOR? TO STUFF IN MY EARS SO I CAN'T HEAR WHAT I'M READING! JULIUS GETS EMBARRASSED VERY EASY! -and so, my darling Julius I close with all my love and kisses to you- OH GOSH

NANCY By Ernie Bushmiller

BANK STATEMENT CASH $ 5,000,000 BONDS $ 5,650,000 STOCKS $ 7,000,000 CREDIT $ 5,500,000 MORTGAGES $ 3,400,000 SECURITIES $ 17,000,000 DEPOSITS $ 3,600,000 LIABILITIES $ 15,600,000 SURPLUS $ 50,000,000 STATEMENT DEPOSITS 17¢ LOANS 15¢ SURPLUS 2¢ BANK

LITTLE REGGIE By Margarita

MA, DIDN'T YOU TELL MRS GEARSHIFT THAT I HAVE YOUR EYES .... YES I DID! AND DADDY'S NOSE? WELL LOOK AT ME NOW MA! I'VE GOT GRANDPA'S TEETH!!

REG'LAR FELLERS By Gene Byrnes

POSITIVELY NO SWIMMING GOSH! HERE COMES MISTER GUMBOIL, TH' WARDEN! WHAT'LL WE DO? QUICK! LET'S DUCK UNDER THOSE BUSHES ALONG TH'BANK UNTIL HE PASSES! HURRY! WHAT'S THAT SPLASHIN' I HEAR? ANY BOYS SWIMMIN' IN THERE? NOPE! AIN'T NOBODY HERE BUT US FISHES, MISTER GUMBOIL!

JITTER By Arthur Pointer

EEEEEKRRUMPH EEEEEERRUMPH

VIRGIL By Len Kleis

HOLD IT! YOU DON'T LEAVE HERE UNTIL YOU TAKE YOUR COD LIVER OIL -AND LOOK AT THOSE EARS! TSK TSK- GO BACK AND WASH THEM YOUR RUBBERS ARE IN THE HALL CLOSET-- PUT THEM ON!! SOMEHOW, DATES WITH YOU ARE BEGINNING TO LOSE THEIR GLAMOR I'VE GOT A MOVIE DATE WITH DONNA, POP - G'BYE

SILENT SAM By Jeff Hayes

MATERNITY HOSPITAL

WEEKLY CROSSWORD PUZZLE

HORIZONTAL 1 Pictured warplane, Lockheed P-38 "—" 9 It is a U. S. fighter — 13 Measure of land 14 Stew 15 Near 16 Mystic syllable 17 Born 18 Metal pin 19 Written form of Mister 20 Hawaiian food 21 Before 22 Donkey 23 Distress signal 24 Insect 25 Organ of smell 27 Changer 29 Symbol for tellurium 31 Exist 32 Seize 33 From 35 Decline 36 Size of shot 37 Negative 38 12 months 39 Either 40 Malayan garment 43 Millimeters (abbr.) 44 Toward 45 In front of 46 Plant 47 Chinese sauce 49 Regret 50 Therefore 51 Lyric poem 52 That one 53 French coin 54 Perform 55 Eastern Contrat (abbr.) 56 Saucy 57 Scent 58 Strip of wood VERTICAL 1 Path 2 One who frosts 3 Unripe 4 Him 5 Running knot 6 Ailments 7 Louse egg 8 Proceed 9 Astronomical unit of measure 10 Lieutenant (abbr.) 11 Midday 12 Send forth 18 It operates from an air — 19 Slogan 20 Dance step 23 Popular cant 26 Stout 27 Any 28 Poetry 29 It has — motors and falls — 30 Organ of hearing 32 Shop 33 Grain 34 Away from 36 Fish 41 These planes were first used in North — 42 Compass point 43 Myself 45 Golf term 46 They saw action in the South — 47 Sodium carbonate 48 Aroma 50 Class 53 Ocean 55 Type measure 56 Place (abbr.) Answer to Previous Puzzle NATURAL BRIDGE CATERED PIRATES UP DAD P R I N TO PEN LAP RES ASP OMNIGER RS LATIN NOT PAPER ADALINE INSPIRE DOTAL SEA AIRED EN D AT DAL ED C LOG AS SE E SAVORS SPOON MALES VIRGINIA HARE

HOME-TOWN ECHOES By C. Kessler

HARRY! WHAT'S ALL YOU TAKE A LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT!! SORRY, BOSS, BUT WE JUST HIRED A NEW STENOGRAPHER AND YOU'VE GOT SOME GAG! I WON'T BE AROUND TO HEAR IT---AND THAT NOT MAKE GOOD - I HOPE! HA! HA! HENRY B. HIGGINS STARTED TO WORK AS A STENOGRAPHER, IN THE MINNEAPOLIS WAREHOUSE OF THE PITTSBURGH GLASS COMPANY OF WHICH HE IS NOW PRESIDENT.