Coral Gables Riviera-Times

PAGE TEN RIVIERA - TIMES FRIDAY, JULY 25, 1947

OUT OF THE QUESTION

A young man watched an elder fellow who was filled with liquor stagger out of a tavern to his car. When he reached the car he dug in his pocket and after much effort pulled out his car keys. For about five minutes he tried unsuccessfully to unlock the car door. The young man then walked over to where the drunk was, still without any luck trying to find the keyhole, and asked if he could be of any help. "Can you unlock the door for me?" asked the drunk. The young fellow then took the keys and opened the door. The drunk half falling crawled into the car and started the motor. "Why, you're not going to drive that car, are you?" asked the young fellow. "Of course, son," replied the drunk. "Can't you see that I'm in no condition to walk?"

A LIMIT THERE

Poet—This is an unfair world. Friend—How so? Poet—A banker can write a bad poem, and people think nothing of it. But just let a poet try writing a bad check!

LAPPING IT UP

A Scotchman entered a doctor's office the moment it was opened one morning. When asked what was troubling him, he stuck out his tongue. It was matted with small splinters of wood. "What happened?" asked the medico. "Last night, I had an accident." "What kind of an accident did you have? The rest of your body doesn't seem to be touched." "Man," moaned the patient, "I spilled a glass of whiskey on the floor!"

DIFFERENT ATTITUDE

Dobbins was discussing his relatives with a new acquaintance. "Now you take my wife," he remarked, "she has a twin sister so much like her you'd never be able to tell them apart." "I suppose though," rejoined the other, "that it is easy for you." Dobbins sighed. "Well, yes," he grudgingly admitted, "but it wouldn't be if my wife showed the same respect for me that her sister does."

EASY TO COUNT

Minister—Yes, my boy, even the hairs on our heads are numbered. Small Boy—Dad ain't; he's bald-headed.

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Test Your I. Q.

1. Where did pawnbroking originate? 2 Does a ship weigh less when it is traveling east and west? 3. What is the origin of the phrase, "to get the sack?" 4. For what is the hand a unit of measurement? 5. Are there any locks in the Suez Canal? ANSWERS 1. It was carried on in China as early as 2000 years ago. Usually the borrower could take three years to redeem his property and could not be charged higher than three per cent a year. 2. A ship going eastward is lighter because of the earth's eastward rotation. 3. A sultan of Turkey disposed of those who displeased him by tying them in sacks and throwing them into the Bosporus. 4. It is used in measuring horses. A hand is equivalent to four inches. 5. No, it is a sea level canal.

RULE DOCTOR

A member of the Missouri state legislature was being needled constantly by a colleague. The member waited with great patience for the day that he could strike back. The colleague arose one day from the floor and addressed the legislator. "Sir," he said, "the news has just come to me that you are a veterinarian. Is that true?" "Yes," drawled the legislator. "Are you ill?"

CAUSE OF WAR

When the teacher inquired of Jimmie the cause of the Revolutionary war, little Jimmie volunteered: "It had something to do with automobiles." "Oh, no Jimmie!" protested the astonished instructor. "That was in the days long before the automobile." "Well," rejoined Jimmie, "they said it was on account of unjust taxis."

CAMOUFLAGE

Lady driver—Can you fix this rear fender so my husband will never know I dented it? Mechanic—No, but I can fix it so you can ask him in a few days how he dented it.

PREFERRED POSITION

He (at the movies)—Can you see all right? She—Yes. He—Is there a draft on you? She—No. He—Is your seat comfortable? She—Yes. He—Change places with me, will you?

AVOID THE PONIES

"All right, children, here's the next problem," the teacher announced. "If one horse can run a mile a minute and a half and another a mile in do the same distance in two minutes, how far ahead would the first horse be if the two horses ran a race of two miles at their respective speeds?" When the time allowed for solving the problem had expired, all the children except little Johnny Burkett had finished, Johhie was still hard at work with pencil and paper. "Johnnie," called out the lynx-eyed instructor, "I'll call on you first for the answer." Startled by the interruption, the youngster stared blankly at the teacher. Suddenly he had an inspiration. "Miss Hawkins," he announced, "I'm sorry, but I can't tell you. My dad told me never to have anything to do with horse racing!"

THE WAY IT LOOKS

Driver's License Examiner—Do you know what it means if a driver puts out a hand? Applicant—Well, if it's a woman, it means she going to turn right or left, shake the ashes off her cigarette, or reverse or stop, or she's pointing to a hat store, or admiring her ring, or— Examiner—Yeah, and if it's a man? Applicant — Why he's usually waving at a woman.

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STICK IN SLOTS

"I understand that in certain countries they use fish for money." "Gee, they must have a messy time playing slot machines."

TOO BIG A LOAD

"My husband left me on March 15. How do you account for that?" "He probably figured he could not support all those government employes and a wife on one salary."

WASTING HIS TIME

Teacher—Now, Robert, what are you doing—learning something? Robert—No, sir; I'm listening to you.

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WEEKLY CROSSWORD PUZZLE

HORIZONTAL 1 Pictured daughter of a president. —Roosevelt 12 Entreaty 13 Precipitous 14 God of love 16 Squander 18 Mouths (anat.) 19 Series of clans 20 Exists 21 Malt drink 22 Meadow 24 And (Fr.) 25 Greek letter 27 Leg joint 29 Small shook 32 Outlet 33 Babylonian deity 36 Left hand (abbr.) 37 Rot by exposure 38 Item of value owned 40 Multi-pronged harpoon 42 Fish 43 Locality 44 Laughter sound 46 Electrical unit 48 Play on words 49 Foot (abbr.) 51 Rich tapestry 54 Age 58 Magistrate 59 Cicatrix 60 Steps over a fence 62 Girl's name 63 Discovery VERTICAL 1 Swiss mountains 2 Born 3 Girl's nickname 4 Bachelor of science (abbr.) 5 Siouan Indian 6 Ever (contr.) 7 River duck 8 Township (abbr.) 9 Proselyte to Judaism 10 Silkworm 11 Loose outer garment 12 Letter of Greek alphabet 15 Oldest Egyptian god 17 She is the only — of the Roosevelts (abbr.) 19 Fruit 23 Piece out 25 Transpose (abbr.) 26 Was ill 28 Symbol for erbium 29 Weird 30 Ocean 31 Right of precedence 33 Siamese measure 34 Streets (abbr.) 35 Yes (Sp.) 40 General signals use 41 Near 44 Possesses 45 Alms box 47 Native of Latvia 48 Precipice (Hawaii) 49 Turf 50 Scatter 52 Short-napped fabric 53 Circle part 55 Narrow inlet 57 English river 58 Tavern 60 Senior (abbr.) 61 Half an em Answer to Previous Puzzle LIGHTNING PLANK ACE OIL ATOM ERRE ASS ROB ANT NOSE ALTERS TE BE SNATCH OF LANE TIN OF YEAR OR SARONG MM POI BEFORE ISED SOY RUE SO LCKLED ODE IT SOUL D-38 AROMA LATH LIGHTING

PEGGY

LOOK, PAW, HERE'S ONE OF OUR WEDDING PICTURES! YOU SURE WERE BEAUTIFUL THAT DAY! IF YOU HAD IT TO DO OVER AGAIN WOULD YOU STILL MARRY ME? YOU BET I WOULD, MAW! WHY, WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE TIME I SPENT COURTING YOU I WISH I HAD MARRIED YOU SOONER! THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SPEECH I'VE EVER HEARD, PAW! JUST THINK... ALL THOSE YEARS I SPENT SHAVING THREE TIMES A WEEK TO CALL ON YOU AND I COULD'VE MARRIED YOU AND ONLY HAD TO SHAVE ONCE A WEEK!

MUTT AND JEFF By Bud Fisher

PEGGY I'LL BETCHA THAT MY FATHER WOULD GIVE ME A DOLLAR ADVANCE IF I OWED MY VERY BEST FRIEND A DOLLAR POP'S OKAY-- HE'D GIVE IT TO ME IF HE HAD IT-- FRANKLY, I HATE TO ASK-- HE GETS SO EXCITED WHEN YOU MENTION MONEY WHAT KIND OF AN ACT IS THIS? I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'M THE HERO OR THE VILLAIN! HERE HE COMES-- TURN IT ON GOOD! VERY WELL THEN, PEGGY, IF OUR FRIENDSHIP MUST END OVER A PALTRY BUCK-- HERE, PAY HER OFF-- HOW'D YOU EVER GET INDEBTED TO THIS SHYLOCK? I BORROWED A DOLLAR FROM HER TO TAKE HER TO A MOVIE -- NOW I HAVE TO PAY HER BACK SO SHE CAN RETURN THE TREAT! YEH, JEFF! GIRLS WHO ARE SWEET ENOUGH TO EAT, USUALLY DO! THAT'S RIGHT, JEFF! JEFF, WHO'RE YOU TALKIN' TO? OH, I'M TALKIN' TO MYSELF, MUTT! TALKIN' TO YOURSELF? WHY? WELL, I LIKE TO HEAR A MAN WITH GOOD COMMON SENSE TALK! PRAY, DON'T YOU FIND YOURSELF BORING? NOT AT ALL SINCE WE HAVE TWO PHONES I ALWAYS CALL MYSELF UP AND TALK! AS I WAS SAYIN', JEFF, ABOUT GIRLS- AS I WAS SAYIN' JEFF ABOUT GIRLS-

NANCY By Ernie Bushmiller

HOME-TOWN ECHOES By G. Kessler

MARGARET'S NEW BEAU SEEMS LIKE A RIGHT NICE YOUNG MAN--I HEARD HIM SAY HE WAS A PRINTER! PRINTER? IF HE'S A PRINTER, HE PROBABLY CUSSES AND GAMBLES, CHEWS TOBACCO AND NO DOUBT DRINKS! PRINTING EST AUGUSTUS E. GIEGENGACK, PUBLIC PRINTER OF THE UNITED STATES, WAS BORN IN NEW YORK CITY BUT DID HIS COURTING IN BROOKLYN.

LITTLE REGGIE By Margarita

ONE MORE HOUR OF THIS BABY-SITTING TO GO!

REG'LAR FELLERS By Gene Byrnes

WHATCHA BAWLIN' HIM OUT FOR, NOW? YOU NEVER SAW SUCH A DOPE WITH HIS DOUGH! COUPLA DAYS AGO AUNT MINNIE GAVE US A HAFFA DOLLAR A PIECE, NOW HE'S BROKE! HE'S A REG'LAR SPEN'THRIFT! TSK TSK NOW I S'POSE HE WANTS TA CHISEL SOME OF YOURS? NO- -FACT IS I WAS TRYIN' T'BORRY A DIME OFF'N HIM!

Ticklers By George

"How can we win a ball game with a good-looking base umpire? Every time one of you girls gets a hit you slow down passing him!"

JITTER By Arthur Pointer

VIRGIL By Len Kleis

POP-I'VE DECIDED TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME AND SET UP A PLACE OF MY OWN WELL! OF COURSE-IT MEANS I WON'T BE SEEING MUCH OF YOU AND MOM ANYMORE OF COURSE G'BYE GOODBYE 928

SILENT SAM By Jeff Hayes

SNATCH VICTIM

Jones, a good family man, had been inveigled into a poker game, and experienced growing apprehension as the hand of the clock moved relentlessly on toward morning. Finally, at 3 a.m. he had a sudden inspiration. He called his home and when finally, the little woman answered the phone, he shouted in frenzied haste. "Don't pay the ransom; I'm back!"

SCORCHER

First Farmer—I see according to the paper, your boy at MSC is a very fast runner. It says he fairly burned up" the track during the race yesterday. I suppose you was there, and saw him do it. Second Farmer — Well, I was there all right, but I got there too late for to see the race. However, I did see the track and there was nothing but cinders.