Coral Gables Riviera-Times

PAGE TEN RIVIERA-TIMES FRIDAY, AUGUST 15, 1947

WASTE OF TIME

A certain wealthy Chicago broker is writhing under a cruel blow. It seems that he fell in love with an illiterate young woman while on a hunting trip years ago and asked her to be his wife. He took the precaution of sending her away to school before giving her his name, but when she had been educated and provided with the proper social polish he changed his mind. The young woman sued him for breach of promise. "I didn't mind paying the stiff bill her lawyer presented to me—except for one item," he remarked. "That seemed a little too much." "What was that item?" a sympathetic friend inquired. To which the broker sadly replied: "To loss of time while improving my mind $3,000.

CLOUDY AND COOLER

Boarder—Madam, your steak is like the weather this evening—rather raw. Landlady—Indeed? By the way, your account is also like the weather—unsettled.

SOFT AND LOW

The occasion was an amateur musicale. The kind-hearted hostess spied a lonely looking little man huddled in a corner of the room, and paused to make conversation. "Tell me," she finally asked, "do you play any musical instrument?" "Not away from home," the little man replied. "How peculiar," remarked the hostess. "What instrument do you play at home?" "Second fiddle," the little man replied.

GOOD GUESSER

A certain waggish Broadway character appeared among his friends one morning with a badly beatenup countenance and a very simple explanation of how the mishap occurred. "I got it from playing my favorite game," he explained. "You know I like to call people up in the small hours of the morning and ask 'Guess who'." "Yes, someone prompted. "Well," concluded the Broadway character, "this morning someone guessed who."

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Test Your I. Q.

1. What is the name of Africa's only republic? 2. How is color put in stained glass? 3. What is North America's rarest bird? 4. Where do we get the word "jealousy"? 5. What is the theodolite? ANSWERS 1. Liberia. Its capital, Monrovia, was named for President Monroe. 2. Metallic oxides are mixed with the glass in molten state. 3. The trumpeter swan. Only 361 were known to be in existence. The bird has an ebony beak, seven-foot wingspread. 4. From the Greek word that means to boil or ferment. 5. A telescopic instrument for measuring vertical and horizontal angles. The armed services use theodolites for measuring trajectories of missiles.

INSIDE, LOOKING OUT

At 5 a.m. the sleepy hotel telephone girl answered a buzz from a room where an intoxicated man demanded: "What time does the bar open?" "At eleven o'clock," the girl replied with forced politeness. He called again at six and again at seven with the same question. So the girl said: "Just a minute, sir. I'll let you speak to the manager." Buzzing the night clerk, she said, "There's a drunk somewhere in the hotel. He's been pestering me for two or three hours. Will you tell him off?" "Good morning," the clerk began gruffy. "You . . ." "Good morning yourself, shay, what doosh th bar open?" "Say, you!" the clerk exploded. "Let me tell you something. You're the kind of pest whose business we don't cater to. Just lay off . . . we don't care if you ever get into our bar room." "Get into your bar room?" The drunk was mad, too. "Shay, mister, Im already in here. I'm tryin' to get out."

WORTH IT

"I fainted. They brought me to So I fainted again." "Why?" "Well, they brought me two more."

KEPT UNDER HIS HAT

The traditionally absent-minded professor entered the barber shop and seated himself in the barber's chair. "A haircut," he requested mildly. "Sir, your hat. You haven't removed your hat." Instantly the professor was all apologies. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know there were ladies present."

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

A track laborer had been moving timbers and ties all day until he was completely worn out. At the end of the day he approached the foreman and said: "Boss, you sure you got my name right?" "Yes. Here you are—Simpson. John Simpson. Isn't that right?" "Yes, boss, that's right. I thought maybe you had me down as Sampson."

LONG EARED LAMBS

"Yes, sir," panted the new shepherd, "I got all the sheep in, but I had to run some to get the lambs." "Lambs, you idiot! Those 14 little ones are jack rabbits!"

EATABLE ROCKS

Sambo—How come you'se in jail? Rastus—For throwin' rocks out of my neighbor's yard into mine. Sambo—That don't sound right. Rastus—Well, they wus Plymouth Rocks.

LIST YOUR PROPERTY WITH US NO COST TO YOU UNLESS WE SELL Frederic F. Lewis

REALTOR "HOMES OF DISTINCTION" Phone 4-3139 300 Alhambra Circle

EXPLANATION

A man phoned his doctor asking him to hurry over; he thought his wife had appendicitis. "Nonsense!" said the doctor, "I took your wife's appendix out three years ago and I never heard of anyone having a second appendix." Said the anxious husband: "Ever hear of anyone having a second wife?"

FARM PROSPERITY

When Zeke was discharged from the army and came home, he and his mother bought a farm for $14,000. They carried a pail full of money down to the real estate office to pay for it. When the money was counted it was found that there was only $12,000 in the pail, to which Zeke said, "Hey, Maw, we fetched the wrong bucket."

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PEGGY

WHERE'S HUNK, MAW? WHY, HE AND LORNA WENT TO THE MOVIES! DAGNABBIT! WHY DID HE DO THAT? I WANTED TO PLAY CHECKERS WITH HIM TONIGHT! WHY NOT PLAY WITH JABBER, PAW? HE'S SITTING OUT ON THE PORCH! AW, THAT WOULDN'T BE ANY FUN... HE'S SO YOUNG AND I'VE HAD SO MANY MORE YEARS' EXPERIENCE AT THE GAME! AND BESIDES... HE ALWAYS BEATS ME !? HELLO-- WE'RE LOTTIE AND LAVERNE -- WE'RE FROM CAMP MEHEEHEE! MEHEEHEE! ISN'T THAT SILLY? I'M PEGGY WILSON-- I'M AT HOTEL SWOMPVIEW WITH MY FOLKS! POST OFFICE ICE CREAM ELAB ROY AREN'T VACATIONS WONDERFUL? JUST LOAF ALL DAY-- LISTEN TO THE BIRDS IN THE EVENING! WE HAVE HORSES AT OUR CAMP-- I LOVE 'EM! OUR HOTEL IS SO INFORMAL--WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT--I HAVEN'T WORN A SKIRT OR DONE MY NAILS IN A WEEK! YEAH, WE'D BELIEVE IT-- THERE AREN'T ANY BOYS AT CAMP MEHEEHEE, EITHER! THEY BOUNCE BETTER'N BICYCLES! Olsen By Bud Fisher

MUTT AND JEFF

THERE'S JEFF OUT IN HIS GARDEN AGAIN! -A SEED AND A SPOON OF SUGAR--A SEED AND A SPOON OF SUGAR-- JEFF, WHAT CHA RAISING? MASHED SWEET POTATOES! By Bud Fisher

NANCY

LOOK AT THE BOY FISHING HA-HA-HA- THAT BOY ISN'T FISHING--- IT LOOKS MORE LIKE THAT FISH IS BOYING By Ernie Bushmiller

LITTLE REGGIE

AH! HERE'S THE POISON POWDER..... GOOD THAT'LL DO IT! STOP TREMBLING! IT'LL BE ALL OVER IN A MINUTE! REGGIE! OPEN THE DOOR!! FLEA POWDER POISON WNU Features By Margarita

REG'LAR FELLERS

DON'T WALK UNDER THAT LADDER, JIM! IT'S BAD LUCK! HOOEY! A STUPID SUPERSTITION! GOSH! AREN'T YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? NOT A BIT! NO, SIR! NOT ME! I THINK SUCH STUFF IS A LOT OF HOOEY-- IT'S UNSCIENTIFIC, AN' FOOLISH! BESIDES-- HERO! I KEEP MY FINGERS CROSSED AN' CARRY A HUNK OF RABBIT'S FOOT, A SILVER HORSESHOE AN' TWO FOUR-LEAF CLOVERS! By Gene Byrnes

JITTER

TAFFY TAFFY SNAKE CHARMER By Arthur Pointer

VIRGIL

SAY! I'LL BET THE HIGGINS' KID WOULD LIKE THIS! OH-OH-TROUBLE! NO BODY HOME-THAT'S A SHAME! I'D LIKE TO HAVE GIVEN THE LITTLE BOY THIS WHISTLE I'LL HOLD IT UNTIL HE COMES IN By Len Kleis

SILENT SAM

RING! By Jeff Hayes

WEEKLY CROSSWORD PUZZLE

HORIZONTAL 1 Depicted first president of the U. S. A., George —— 9 Excludes 13 Symbol for silver 14 Bustle 15 Chinese aborigine 16 Genius of shrubs 17 In three ways (comb. form) 19 Expert 21 Staff of life 22 Lampreys 24 Native metal 25 Sorrowful 26 South Dakota (abbr.) 27 Liberate 29 Insect egg 30 Mountain pass 31 Mimic 32 Summit 33 Corn bread 34 Skin of a beast 36 Folding bed 37 Units of energy 38 Lubricants 39 Lad 40 Bashful 41 Entire 42 Observe 43 Weight 44 Symbol for fluorine 45 Rubber tree 46 Extinct bird 47 Flower 49 Feb. 22 was the 211th anniversary of his —— 51 Hideous giant 52 Charged atom 53 Eye (Scot.) 54 Reward 55 He was known as "The —— of His Country" VERTICAL 1 Irrigate 2 Coincide 3 Laughter sound 4 Girl's name 5 Knotty 6 Class 7 Cereal grain 8 Negative 9 Feathered creature 10 Partook of food 11 Motives 12 Horseman's seat 18 Sick 20 Before 21 Baseball club 23 Fur-bearing animals 25 Slight taste 28 Suitable 29 Negative word 30 Gear tooth 32 Plaything 33 Peep 34 Plunder 35 Cloth measure 36 Mine shaft hut 37 Age 38 Doltishness 39 Honey maker 40 Close-fitting coal 41 Loose flaps 42 Cunning 43 Rocky pinnacle 45 Habituated 46 Coin 48 Anger 49 Feathered scarf 50 She 52 Provided Answer to Previous Puzzle | IOWA | STATE | ROSE | CRAM | PORES | ABEL | FAR | DAT | NEB | LES | SLOPE | ADO | ERASE | RESPLENDENT | ELI | MUS | SON | ELK | LA | MOM | KOE | MEN | IA | OWA | STY | EONS | ANTAE | OBOE | RAH | SIP | OAF | AMY | EVER | DAIRY | ALIT | SERE | ESTER | IOTA |

HOME-TOWN ECHOES By C. Kessler

CALL UP MAIN 9362 AND ASK FOR AL, IF HE ISN'T THERE TRY LAKESIDE 3326- TELL HIM I WANT SOMETHING-HE'LL KNOW-GET HIM QUICK-TELL HIM IM DYING! BUT WHO'S AL? DO YOU REMEMBER AWAY BACK WHEN— JOE'S PLACE BEST FOOD IN TOWN- 11/14/47

Ticklers By George

"If I walk around with this thing, I'll lose weight and what will people think then?"

SMALL CHANGE

Oliver Wendell Holmes was small in stature. One day an acquaintance waggishly remarked "Well, Dr. Holmes, I should think you would feel rather small among these big fellows." The genial but modest man replied, "I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies."

Empty Hours

Old Lady—I never take cocktails. Young Sophisticate — Gracious. what do you do between 5 and 7?