Coral Gables Riviera-Times

PAGE TEN RIVIERA-TIMES FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1947

CLAP STICK

TOO PERFECT In a certain southern farming community, Eliza Higgins is the champion grumbler. To Ezra all people and all things are but fit subjects for complaint. Last fall the county agent called at Eliza's farm and, much to her displeasure, insisted upon congratulating her upon her most successful farming season. Her cotton, he said, was wonderful, her corn magnificent, her truck crops the most bountiful in the county, and her potato crop, ah, that was the most wonderful of all! But Eliza, buried in her usual impenetrable gloom, refused to be gratified. "Mrs. Higgins," chided the agent, a little nettled at her lack of enthusiasm, "you must admit that potato crop of yours is the finest in hte state!" "Wal, I reckon it is," Eliza grudgingly admitte, "but where in the heck are the bad ones for the hogs?" INTERESTING SIGHT A suspicious wife made a surprise call at he rhusband's office. A ravishing blonde secretary whom she introduced herself and added: "I'm so glad to meet you, Miss Shapely. My husband has told me so little about you!" SECRET OF SUCCESS Mrs. Crippin, super-successful board house operator, was briefing her new housekeeper. After the woman had repeated the instructions her new employer had given her, Mrs. Crippin admonished her by saying, "Laura, you've forgotten the most important detail. Can't you recall it?" Laura considered a moment and then she remembered. "Oh, yes," she replied, "now I know. Whenever any bad news comes for a boarder-say like a telegram and anything else that might be bad news-I'm to save it and give it to him just before mealtime!" FITTING NAME Adam and Eve were naming the animals of the earth, when a hippopotamus strolled past. "Well, darling?" said Adam "what are we going to call that?" "I know," said Eve, "let's call it a hippopotamus." "But why?" asked Adam. "Well," said Eve, "It looks more like a hippopotamus than anything we've named so far." HIS MONEY'S WORTH Sandy had been rescued from a watery grave by the local boatman and now stood dripping on the bank of the river. Said Sandy: "I would gie ye a shillin' but I've only got a two shillin' piece on me?" "Well, we'll soon square that," remarked the boatman. "Just jump in again!" SLIGHT MISTAKE A timid husband was sent to market to buy "drip grind" coffee. He returned with the report that there wasn't any such thing as his wife wanted, and was asked: "What, exactly did you tell them I wanted?" "Just what you told me," said the man. "Leak-grind." NOT MUCH TO COPY When Whistler had finished a portrait of a well-known celebrity, he asked him whether he liked it. "No, I can't say I do, Mr. Whistler, and you must really admit it's a bad work of art." "Yes," replied the artist, looking at his sitter through his monocle, "but then you must admit that you are a bad work of nature." Jimmy-Daddy says there isn't another woman in the world like you, Momma. Mother-That's very flattering of him. Jimmy-And he says it's a good thing, too.

Test Your I. Q.

1. What was Black Friday? 2. What is the significance of the three golden balls over a pawn-broker's shop? 3. Is there any limitation on the amount of mail that a postman carries on a single trip? 4. Are women eligible for Rhodes scholarships? 5. How did left-handed baseball pitchers get the nickname south-paw? ANSWERS 1. It was a financial panic in Wall Street, Sept. 26, 1869. 2. The three golden balls formed the ancient coat of arms of the Lombards, the money lenders of the Middle Ages. 3. The Postal Law places the weight at 50 pounds per trip. 4. These scholarships are given to men only. They were suspended by the Rhodes Trustees in 1939 because of the war, but were resumed in 1946. 5. The name is derived from the fact that most baseball diamonds are laid out with home plate in the west corner. Therefore, the pitcher's left arm is on the south side.

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SUCH MANNERS

Three-year-old Ned was taken, for the first time, by his Grandma to the club for tea. When a glass of crushed ice and a bottle of ginger ale were placed in front of him, his eyes grew big - he was a real man now. After a sip or two of it he was asked how he liked his drink of ginger ale. "Fine, Grandma, but it sneezes in my face."

Dumb Dog

The man was poring over a chessboard. Opposite him sat a dog. A friend came up and asked: "Say, what's going on here?" "Just playing chess with my dog," replied the man. "No kidding!" exclaimed the oaber. "Gosh, that's about the smartest dog I ever saw." "Oh, he isn't so smart," answered the first. "I've already beaten him two games out of three!"

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WEEKLY CROSSWORD PUZZLE

HORIZONTAL 1 Pictured early U. S. statesman, 10 Age 11 Be sick 12 Tree fluid 13 Flash flood 15 Symbol for erbium 16 Opus (abbr.) 18 Frolic 21 Every 22 Winnow 23 Dine 25 Golf device 26 Right side (abbr.) 27 Elin English (abbr.) 28 Spinning toy 30 Symbol for tellurium 31 Rigid 33 Membership list 35 Bone 36 Area measure 37 Belt 40 Constrain 44 Dawn (comb. form) 45 Year (abbr.) 46 Beret 47 Egyptian sun god 48 Finish 50 Sash 53 Small part 54 Sister (abbr.) 55 Encounter 57 International language 58 From (prefix) 59 Lease 60 Eternity 62 Trinitrotoluol (abbr.) 64 Bind 65 He is one of the signers of the of Independence VERTICAL 1 Fur-bearing animal 2 Skill 3 Mother 4 Deserve 5 Long Island (abbr) 6 Plant 7 Like 8 Spoil 9 Place 13 Market 14 Otherwise 15 Babylonian deity 17 He won fame as a - citizen 19 Apportion 20 Equal 22 Charge for services 24 Also 27 Literary composition 29 Hymn 32 Neither 34 Three (prefix) 37 Appear 39 Sound 39 For 41 Baseball club, 42 Smile broadly 43 Direction 49 Accomplishment 51 British (abbr.) 52 Small quantity 53 Greek quantity 54 Was observed 56 Pedal digit 59 River (Sp.) 61 North Carolina (abbr.) 63 North River (abbr.) 64 Palm lily Answer to Previous Puzzle: LAKE TOTAL ERIE OREL TRIBE NOSE PEAKS LEETS SARS STALE TRAIN OD ON PG PI BRINE LAKE SNEER EAR ERIE TAIL SIEVE PSALMS EN AANI COAL SS APRON HOVER BARON ULELE DILE AVER DREAM GAIT NESS NETTY ESTE

THE TILLERS

I'M SORRY, JABBER, BUT I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO MILK BY HAND TONIGHT-THE ELECTRIC MILKER WE WERE TRYING OUT SEEMS TO BE BROKEN! ? OH, MR. TILLER-- COME QUICK! LOOK! ?

QUICK READING

"I want something for a young lady-a birthday gift," said the young man. "What would you suggest?" "Well," said the clerk, "how about some book-ends?" "Splendid!" was the enthusiastic reply. "Give we half a dozen of your best ends-that's usually the only part she reads!"

FLYING? SOON

Do angels have wings, Mother? Yes, dear. Can they fly? Yes, dear. Then when is the nurse going to fly? I heard Daddy call her Angel yesterday. Tomorrow, dear.

A DILEMMA

She-I don't know which way to turn. He-Why not? She-Well, I have a large collection of perfumes and for our date tonight I put "Kiss Me" behind one ear and "Scram" behind the other. Now I've forgotten which is which.

Too Much To Bear

Two matrons, chatting over lunch, were discussing a mutual friend. "What's bothering Sally?" asked one lady. "She looks furious." "Oh, she's trying to reduce and just now weighed herself on one of those scales with the new speaking attaching . . . " "And what happened?" interrupted the other. "Well, when she stepped on the scales, the voice said, 'One at a time please'!"

WHY WORK?

The famous psychologist had just delivered a most interesting lecture, and was now conducting a question session. A timid little man down front held up his hand, and was recognized. "Doctor," he said most respectfully, "did I understand you to say that a good poker player could successfully handle any sort of executive job?" "That's exactly what I said," was the confident reply. "Tell me, Doctor," asked the little man, "what would a good poker player want with a job?"

STOP, LOOK, LISTEN

The easy-going Southerner strolled onto the station platform and up to the station agent, "When does the westbound train arrive?" he asked. "At 3 p.m.," replied the station agent. "When will the next train be going east?" "At 4 p.m." "What about the northbound train?" "It's not due until 6 p.m." "And the southbound train?" "It left two hours ago." The Southerner considered the information carefully. "Well," he said, "I guess it's safe to cross the tracks now."

PEGGY

HEY, POP, WHAT'S THIS THING I FOUND IN THE ATTIC? THAT'S MY OLD UKULELE--I USED TO SERENADE YOUR MOTHER WITH IT I WONDER IF I STILL HAVE MY OLD TOUCH--VO DO DE OH DO DO DO DE OH DO!! HEY, WILSON! CUT OUT THAT RACKET!!~ YUP! I'VE STILL GOT THE SAME OLD TOUCH!

MUTT AND JEFF

By Bud Fisher WHAT'S UP MUTT? JEFF'S IN THE HOSPITAL! JEFF, WHAT HAPPENED? OH, I SAW SOME GUY HIT A GIRL IN THE STREET! -AND I JUST WOULDN'T LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT! -HE PUSHED ME ASIDE AND I SAID LISTEN, WISE GUY--- SOMEONE'S GONNA GET A BLACK EYE- THEN I SAID, ONLY A COWARD WOULD STRIKE A WOMAN! -WHY DON'T YOU HIT A MAN? THEN WHAT ? GOSH, I DUNNO! THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER!

NANCY

By Ernie Bushmiller ? ? ? ? ? THADDEUS NORMAN TWERP ATTORNEY

LITTLE REGGIE

By Margarita OK LET'S PLAY--WHERE'S HOME PLATE? JUST A MINUTE! SLAM! MY BEST CHINA!

REG'LAR FELLERS

By Gene Byrnes HAVE YOU SENT CARDS TO EVERYBODY TELLING THEM HOW YOU ARE ENJOYING THE SEASHORE? YES, MOM! DID YOU SEND ONE TO YOUR TEACHER? GOSH! NO! DO I HAFTA? I THINK IT WOULD BE A NICE THOUGHT ON YOUR PART! OH WELL-- ANOTHER PENNY CARD WON'T BUST ME! POST CARD Miss P. Quill No. 44 Public Schol 123 Fort Streef, To Wittle Post Car The Whittle

JITTER

By Arthur Pointer WHAM

SILENT SAM

By Jeff Hayes BEACH SAM

VIRGIL

By Len Kleis CAN WE WAIT IN HERE UNTIL THIS LIGHTNING STORM IS OVER MR. GREY SURE-- IF YOU BELIEVE YOURSELF I'LL BET EVEN A LITTLE PIECE OF LIGHTNING COULD DO A LOT OF DAMAGE-- CRASH! OH-- AN AWFUL LOT 5

INKLINGS

By Jarvis JUST MARRIED

CHEAPER SUBSTITUTE

By Paulson "En Rooshia ve got no shortage of Farm Implements, ve got PLANTY of vomen."

BACK HOME AGAIN

By Ed Dodd BOY, THIS CAMPIN' OUT IS THE LIFE... GITTIN' AWAY FROM IT ALL 'N' EVERYTHING! THE WOODSMEN.